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One day, if there was anybody questions me: “Have you ever made mistake to your parents?”, I would say: “Yes”. It’s even a lot. Since the time I was given a birth, I did a huge mistake to my mother. I did hurt her at the beginning. In order to born a baby, the mothers carry out with the pregnant in nine months ten days and give birth in physical painful condition. Year over the year, I grew up under my parents’ protection. They give me a greatest love which I could never have in others. They always forgive me for every single mistake I did even the very much serious one. I understood their mental painful through every time I was guilty. I was very sorry to them, but yet, such feeling of sorry was not as intensive as this moment.

Three years and a half since I’ve been in Malaysia for my degree, my parents are trying their best to provide me the most comfortable financial condition for me to concentrate on study. I am certain with my family economic situation. It’s not as high class as the worthies, but also not as low class as poorer. It’s in the middle. Therefore, in order to do so, they must discipline in their financial control. That’s a reason why I always speak to myself that I must make my parents proud of me. After three years, I almost reach to my current goal which is completion of studying and at the same time, my parents are almost exhausted as well. Nevertheless, they did never make a complaint. During that time, when I faced to any problems not only in study but also in my personal life, I called them and made a lot of complaints. With the greatest love to me, they always encourage me and give me motivation to move on. But I never knew that how much worry they were when listening to such complaints. Until now, at this moment, I’m experiencing on the financial burden, I’m scare, I worry because I’ve never experienced it before. I realized that those feelings are in my parents for so many years and they are even more than what I feel.

Last two months, my parents faced to major financial problems.  They did share that information to me and tried to reassure me by saying: “don’t worry, it will be ok”. They still banked in for me every month but the amount was lesser than last time. Therefore, I was trying to look for a permanent job during this semester to certain that I’ll get job immediately after completing my study. I sent number of resumes to the organizations which I desire to join. Until last week, I received an appointment for interview. I was happy about that well in preparation for that interview. After the discussion, the employer said something such an implication that I’m hired and asked me to wait for the email. I was quite happy about that even though the job was not confirmed yet. I wanted to bring this good news to my mom. From the inner, I knew that she would be disappointed if the news is turn to the other way. In other words, she would be disappointed if I could not get that job. However, I could not control myself. I just wanted to bring happy moment to her. One week later, I still do not receive any confirmed email from the company. I don’t know how to explain to her. I don’t want my worry comes truth. I know that it will unethical if I say the lie her. However, is it ethic for me to notice her with the bad news? She would be sad because of that.

On the other hand, I found that the ordinary life has become unusual. I scare, I’m afraid of living in uncomfortable financial situation. The date of studying completion is almost coming. I need to be financial independent after that. Although I told my mother that I can be able to care for myself after graduating and tell her that she not need to bank in for me once I complete my study. I was a bit disappointed when she agrees to do so. Human being is quite complicated. The disappointed feeling goes on together with happiness. I was happy because my mom was happy. I was disappointed because I didn’t know that I really able to do as what I promised. Currently, the job is still not be secured. I am waiting. And the waiting is such a punishment for me at this time. Number of negative things keeps coming in my mind. If there is unexpected thing is going to happen, should I tell her the truth which would disappoint her? Or should I go through it without any supported and see it as the truth challenge which I need to overcome. It’s hard. it’s really hard for me to step out the real world without financial support from family. From the inner, I also don’t want to ask for help because I don’t want to worry my parents anymore. That’s enough for them.

I scare. . . . I really scare now. . . . .